kenoslogs | [catch-all] my body is a cage;

No, it's quite alright...

[ He keeps trying to reassure her. He just wants her to be more comfortable as he ushers her along. The walk shouldn't be far, he thinks. But then he pauses as she speaks and he gives her a curious look. ]

...bleeding? No. No, I'm fine. Jade... Is this something to do with your condition? Isn't there anything else I can do?

[His response startles her at first, almost as much as the phantom blood.]

It's not- You're not-

[She stops for a moment, reaching over to touch his chest. His heart.

[The blood flows. Then stops.

[Gone.

[Realization dawns on her mien, as she rips her hand back again; stumbling a couple of paces away from Dimitri. The flicker in her eyes fades as Jade closes them again.

[His face. Don't look at his dead, dead face. Not a corpse -- not like them.]

I... need Ambrosia. If I can't find any, I'll just... have to make some myself, and hope that it works.

[ Dimitri regards her with confusion and some sense of alarm. He doesn't know what to do to help her - because she's clearly dealing with something and it's nothing he can actually interact with beyond speaking to her. It's a little horrifying, honestly. He takes a step after her as she goes back. ]

Then let's keep going. We'll see what we can find.

[ His hand very gently takes her wrist. ]

Let me guide you, at least.

[If only it all just went away with something as so easy as closing her eyes, but Jade should have known better. Even as she reaches out for Dimitri's hand, the cold wind on the back of her neck sends icy needles through her entire nervous system.

[And then a voice, whispering in her ear: "Don't go, don't go. Don't go." She can practically hear their dead lips pressed against her soul.

[Fine. It's fine. None of it is real.]

That's, um. Yes. Probably best.

[Despite her initial hesitation, she allows Dimitri to take her wrist, guiding her forward. Against every instinct in her very nature that would have been more inclined to hold her tongue, Jade then blurts, her voice shaky:] I'm... hallucinating.

[It's not a truth she likes to admit. Makes her sound crazy -- and that's something she's avoided most of her life, well before magic and Arcane Fever was ever a factor in her mental state.]

[ He pauses and his hand slides from her wrist to find her hand and squeeze and take a better grip there. Something more intimate, in a way. Friendlier. A way to help guide without making her feel as if she's just being tugged along. There's a long silence and then he replies. ]

I know how it feels when you don't quite know what's real and what isn't. When the voices in your ears sound like your loved ones, but they can't be because they've all died and instead - instead they tell you awful things about - about death. About having to kill. About justice and vengeance and how you will never, ever make up for having the temerity to live.

[ He swallows hard and starts walking again, still trying to lead her on. ]

And you don't know if they're real or if it's just your mind playing tricks on you. And in the end, maybe that doesn't matter because they're still there and you think they always will be. I... understand. I truly do.

[There was a time in which Jade would have been more likely to slap someone's hand away than to accept it, even one that was simply intending to help. But she knows better, and if there's ever been any reason to doubt Dimitri's intentions, he hasn't given her one yet. So she allows it, at least for now, welcoming the feeling of something real reaching out to her, and not just old or unfamiliar ghosts.

[She doesn't respond right away. It isn't until they start walking again, after listening to him, that she speaks:]

I believe you.

[The words have more weight than most would probably realize right away -- he's not just giving her platitudes and empty words to make her shut up about her problems. Nothing like "it gets better" or "everything's gonna be okay"; false promises no one can ever guarantee. But actual fucking empathy.]

I've... always carried the dead at my back. Even before the Fever was a factor, before the whole "Prophetess" bullshit -- when I was just some runaway nobody, with an unoriginal story many other sad orphan kids had.

[She seems like she's about to say more, but stifles her own words, opting to wait until they're at his place before saying any more than she feels is necessary. It just seemed more necessary to inform Dimitri that she's struggling to differentiate reality from delusion, more so than usual.]

...Thanks.

I understand.

[ There's a weight to his tone. Something sad and distant, like he's not quite there but somewhere else. ]

And there's no need for thanks. I - I've carried my own dead with me since I was child and for a long time I was lost to them. I've... gotten better. But there are still nights where I can't sleep or the nightmares come back and days where I think I can hear the whispers start again. I don't know if they'll ever really leave me be. So... I just want you to know that while I don't precisely share your struggle... I've been there, so to speak.

[ He leads her down the street and around a corner. He's moving slowly to avoid tripping her up, his gaze fixed ahead. ]

...is it alright if I ask what happened?

[Even if she doesn't need to express her gratitude, she does nevertheless. There aren't that many who can say they understand her. Not without it being even more hollow affirmations.

[But again, she believes him. Dimitri seems like the sort who would carry his own demons with him.

[Absentmindedly, she nods, half-focusing on Dimitri's voice, another half trying to concentrate on where her feet go when she follows him along. Her head spins, dizzy, but she maintains her posture, stumbling alongside him.]

I thought the nightmares were getting better for a while, too. Feels like they're never gonna go away.

[And when he asks, she tells him what she almost tells everyone else who ever asks similar questions:]

It is, but... It's a long story. Are you sure you wanna hear it?

[She might need to sit down first. Were she in better health, she'd suggest at least downing a dozen drinks first, but that's probably not on the table.]

Sometimes I don't think they will. They'll just... become fewer and far between. But never totally gone.

[ He agrees with her in a soft, sad tone as he gently steers her along. He doesn't often find people who have experienced what he has or even something similar to it. It's a little strange to hear, but... oddly reassuring in other ways. ]

I do want to hear it.

[ There's no hesitation there. ]

But let's get to my house first and then we can see about that.

[There were times in which Jade wouldn't have readily agreed to follow someone to their home at all. Sometimes she had to, when someone had something she wanted, like food or a bed to sleep in for the night. Turn on the roguish charm, pretend to be someone she's not. In the end, she sabotages it all one way or another.

[These days, she doesn't do those things quite so much anymore; they hadn't been as necessary for her survival anymore. Though she can't say she's better for it, it's... something. Improvement? Maybe a little. Maybe it's what her friend, Sirius, would have wanted for her.

[Though she's pretty sure he'd rather be alive, instead of rotting in the Red Sea, alongside her own corpse.]

...Fine. Can't say it won't be nice to sit down, anyways.

[Jade is all too willing to wait and follows him, maintaining her pace despite the colors of the world not looking right, or the fact that the people's faces around her look like shriveled-up skulls.

[And there's the manic laughter she hears... muffled, like underwater. And screams. They don't feel quite as close to her anymore, but she can still hear them rattling about in her mind.

[She'll live. Somehow.]

[ Dimitri listens and is silent while they finish the walk. It doesn't take too long. It's a somewhat older cottage or small house on it's own plot, complete with garden surrounded by similar houses and some new wet construction. He leads her through the front gate and then up to the door and inside without hesitating. ]

We can look for plants in a little bit... for now, rest a little.

[ There's a sofa in the sitting room. ]

Do you need anything? A drink? Food?

[Having been there before, it's nice to see something familiar when they arrive to Dimitri's cottage. It's neither a room at Heliopolis nor a dusty basement of an orphanage; it's inviting. Cozy.

[At the offer, she hesitates. She isn't sure if she can keep anything down in her current state, but she knows she should probably have something in her stomach after everything she's been through.]

Maybe. Just some water, for now. Or tea, if you can spare any. I dunno...

[She attempts a laugh, straining her headache. As she moves to the sofa while Dimitri does his own thing, the shadows in the corner continue watching her with unblinking stares. Jade's eyes flicker to the phantoms for only a moment -- you're not real; you're not fucking real -- before looking back to Dimitri's direction.]

Nothing like no food or drink after a century-long nap, I guess.

[ It's been opened up to air out. Even with people attending to him, it had gotten a bit musty - but by now it's honestly comfortable again. He offers a little smile. ]

...most of my tea has sadly aged a great deal, so I'm afraid all I can offer is water.

[ But he does return with a cool cup of the stuff and settles it at her hand, within easy reach. Then he finds somewhere to sit and watch and listen. ]

Take your time. There's no hurry.

I see.

...

Yeah, I can't say I'm in the mood for 114-year-old leaves, myself.

[She chuckles nervously, waiting. One hand clutches the front of the cloak, while her other reaches out to accept the cup once Dimitri returns.]

Okay...

[It takes her a moment. Her gaze flicks from the cup in her hand, to the shadows. Among the corpses is a little girl -- clothes burnt, skin charred. A bag on her head.

[Jade blinks, and the shadow is gone.

[After a moment, she takes a drink, the cool water pouring down her throat is more refreshing than she anticipated.

[And as she looks down at the cup, her attention wanders to the scars on her left arm. The lacerations under the deep burns are still noticeable, even after all these years.]

Well, depending on how far back you wanna go -- my family was always, uh... complicated. Mother was a refugee from a country devastated by magical contamination, and a father who took "religious devotion" to a whole new level.

My sister was probably my rock for so many years.

[There's a faint smile, even when her glance returns to the corner where the scorched phantom girl had once been.

[And then the smile fades.] Anyways. They're all dead. That's what happens when you don't live up to the rigid guidelines of a ruthless cult leading a theocratic dictatorship, or something. I've tried justifying it in all kinda ways, but it never made sense. I was too young to really understand it at the time.

[Even though she more or less understands now, but the shame of it was never put into words. Not even to Sirius, who knew almost everything about her past before she lost her only friend, too.]

You know what it's like to be strung up on a cross and burned alive? [With one hand still holding the cup of water, her other touches the scars on her forearm again, forming a tight grip.] It really fucking hurts. And you never forget the smell. The burnt meat.

[ Dimitri simply listens. It's the least he can do now. Even if the story is terrible. Even if it sounds as if it hurts, even if he imagines he can see it happen in his mind's eye. Fire and death and slaughter. He listens with a grim expression, prepared to keep listening until she's finished. Until the story is done. ]

...I can imagine.

[ He replies softly. ]

Although I suppose I don't have to.

[ There was fire on that terrible night of his, too. And while no one was left to burn alive, corpses still burn, don't they? ]

That sounds like a terrible ordeal.

It's so fucking common where I'm from, and yet it's not something I'd wish for anyone to go through.

[Jade pauses, her jaw tightening.]

Well. My father had it coming. But my mother and sister -- they didn't deserve that. Not at all.

[There is animosity in her words when she speaks of her father -- the monster she owes much of her sleepless nights to. Or maybe he was just always an avatar for all her other boxed up bullshit as well. Hard to say. She's no head doctor.]

But, yeah. Guess you can see why the food they were serving up in that jinba village got to me the way it did. The... smell. I can usually tolerate it, but it caught me off guard.

[Of course, it wasn't the only reason, but it was the less heinous one. The one that people could still hear and think "poor girl" about, rather than see her as the disgusting and vile creature she is.]

...yes, I can certainly understand that the smell might bring back unpleasant memories and associations. And I would venture so far as to say no one really deserves such a death. No matter how unpleasant.

[ He smiles a touch thinly, still watching and listening. He's not quite sure what to say - but maybe just understanding is enough for right now. ]

I can speak on my own experiences, if you like.

[ In truth he hasn't talked about them that much. But it's such a large part of his life. ]

[Understanding is about the most Jade can expect. It's hardly the first time she's shared the gritty details of her broken childhood to those who've asked -- or at least pieces of it.]

Believe me, there are people who probably deserve worse.

[For now, she leaves it at that, remiss to expend any more breath on her father's sorry existence at the risk of bringing back his ghost.

[Ignoring the shifting shadows and whispering voices crawling from the delusion, Jade looks at Dimitri instead.]

If you'd like... I was gonna ask, but wasn't sure if I should.

[It's bloody Trauma Dump Hour, so why not.]

...you were willing to share with me. I feel as if I ought to share with you.

[ He smiles a bit weakly, but he's confident enough. ]

When I was a young child, my father and my stepmother and their retinue - I was prince, my father king of Faerghus - traveled to a region called Duscur on a diplomatic mission. For reasons that... I still don't entirely understand, we were attacked. My father and step-mother were assassinated and the entire party wiped out... except for me.

[ He says this in a quiet, low voice. ]

For some reason, I survived, surrounded by their bodies. And I have had to carry the weight of that ever since. For a long time I thought that I was guilty of something for having lived. I heard the voices of the dead speak to me, demanding vengeance. At times... maybe I saw them, too. For the longest time I pretended everything was fine. That I could continue. I got... worse before I become better.

[Eyes closed so as to better focus on his voice, Jade listens. It isn't until Dimitri mentions certain things that her brows furrow a bit.

[Prince. King. Nobility. Maybe he said something about it sooner and she was too distracted to notice, or maybe he kept it to himself. Dimitri wouldn't be the first she's met who felt that way.

[Once he's finished, the question blurts out:]

You're a prince?

[Look, she's starting with the most digestible part.]

Sorry. I just, er... yeah. [Words probably aren't necessary to know that she's sympathetic, but one thing at a time. After all, it's not too much unlike what Jespar had told her, what had happened to his family -- and he even came from similar origin. The only reason she never negged him over it was because he never used his status to make himself feel superior to her, and... Well, Jade liked that about him.

[Dimitri doesn't strike her as the type who would abuse titles, either. Maybe that's why he didn't introduce himself by his when they first met.]

Oh... well, king, actually. Now that my father's dead and I was crowned and all...

[ He smiles with a touch of sheepishness. But there's also confidence. Someone who has talked to people and who deals with them on a daily basis. Which one is the mask is a bit hard to say, although she might have an idea considering that they've spent some time together by now. ]

I thought I'd mentioned it, but... well. I try not to draw too much attention to it. There's not much for me to be king of here, in any case.

Right, that makes sense...

[It's still strange to think that there are nobles out there who don't act entitled to be waited on hand and foot by those deemed "beneath" them. That's always been Jade's experience with their ilk, at any rate. And while she knows it hasn't changed her opinion on nobility entirely, she doesn't immediately bristle at Dimitri's title. If anything, it reminds her of the way Jespar tried to shrug it off when she had first asked him about his heritage.

[In any other situation, she might tease Dimitri about it, like she did Jespar from time to time. But even Jade can read a room, even when she tries to keep it light. And the vigilant shadows don't help make her any less on edge as she tries her damnedest to ignore them.

[Taking a drink from the water and gripping the cloak over her shoulders, Jade nods.]

Thanks for telling me, anyways. I figured you weren't just talking outta your ass when you were acting all empathetic about it. Living through shit like that is... hard.

[Their situations aren't entirely the same -- but if she's going to be dumping her shit onto anyone, it helps to commiserate. Somehow.]

It is. But I'm glad I've lived.

[ He breathes out in a soft sigh. ]

...there was a time when I wasn't sure of that. But I want to keep living and I want to make a difference, however I can. I think that's a better tribute to the dead than any killing could ever be. And... well. I hope that you get better. That's what we're here for, aren't we?

[Sadly, Jade can't think of many times in which she was grateful for her own survival. Sometimes she thinks she would have been better off had she died with the rest of her family that day.

[But there's no point in making those thoughts into words.]

...I guess.

[She pauses.]

I mean, I was never in a position to make much of a difference anywhere, myself -- until recently, that is. Back in my country, it was hard enough just trying to survive. My kind were... not very welcome there, it turned out.

[Having lived in a backwater farm for most of her early years, she didn't get to experience the extent of racism towards the Aeterna until after she was thrown out into the world, left to scrape by on her own.

[Not that it's obvious by looking at her that Jade isn't a full-blooded human. Save for her height, maybe -- but tall humans exist, too.]

Just surviving is often enough.

[ Dimitri points that out with a little smile. ]

...although I suppose my own circumstances were rather different, given the politics. [ He pauses. ]

...your kind? What do you mean by that? Was this some sort of ethnic conflict? It saddens me how such things seem to exist, no matter what worlds we come from. Still - ridiculous that it would become such a burden.

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