kenoslogs | [catch-all] my body is a cage;

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[catch-all] my body is a cage;

WHO: Jade and You.
WHAT: Catch-all log for April.
WHEN: Month of April, namely after the Shard-Bearers have awakened in their respective Resting Rooms.
WHERE: Various, but mostly Old Springstar (and Skysong).
WARNINGS: Psychosis due to the Arcane Fever stuff. I'll mark in the subject headers for anything heavy.

Prompts will be added in the comments. If there's anything specific you'd like me to whip up for you, feel free to hit me up in a PM, discord, or plurk (

whippoorwill). This will be especially helpful as Jade's Arcane Fever will result in her struggle to discern what's real and what isn't, potentially causing her to hallucinate alternate versions of characters! Fun times.

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...yes. It was very strange. I thought it was only a dream, although I didn't linger on it too much. Why?

[So it wasn't just her who had a dream of that nature. Jade wasn't entirely sure, but it's as much a comfort as it is disquieting.]

Well, my magic is... like that. The ability to see possibilities and pull from those realities, making them real.

For me, that switch is always on -- and the Fever is a result of the body and mind not being able to "cope" with it. If I'm not careful, it can kill me, or worse.

[The way she talks about it is matter-of-fact, like she's simply describing allergies and not a life-threatening condition.]

I see.

[ He responds in a low voice, looking a touch lost in thought. ]

That sounds... overwhelming to put it mildly. And this ambrosia is the only way to contain it? There's no other way to help you?

[ He looks very serious. ]

Perhaps we can ask the healers here if they've heard of anything...

Well, there's Peaceweed... or similar drogae I've been able to find here.

[Drugs. She basically means drugs.]

It's only been good for maintaining the Fever at lower levels, though. I think the symptoms have gotten far too "advanced" for them to be much use, so Ambrosia's gonna be the next best thing.

[She sighs, leaning back in her seat.]

I can write down the ingredients, and you can keep an eye out for them.

...yes. I can't say I'm an apothecary or anything of the sort, but I do grow some things in the garden. If anything I can find can help, I'll let you know as soon as I can.

[ He nods. ]

Until then... is there anything else that can be done? Anything that might at least treat the symptoms a little?

Right. You got anything to write with? I can jot down a list. Unless you've got a good memory.

[Literacy wasn't afforded to everyone on Vyn, but Jade was lucky enoguh to have once had companions who taught her how to read and write.]

As for treating the symptoms... I dunno. If you can find anything akin to Peaceweed, I guess? I found some places down in Kowloon that were similar. Like I said, they probably won't be as effective at the advanced stages I'm in, but it does help to ease the pain a bit.

Yes, I should have some paper and a pencil... somewhere.

[ He rises to go rummage through a drawer. ]

I'm not familiar with Peaceweed, but I can certainly ask. Someone around here might know of something similar.

Mm.

[As Dimitri gets up to retrieve writing utensils, Jade nods, before finishing her glass or water to sate that dry itching in her throat.]

Shouldn't matter whether you're familiar. Some local drogae seem to work just as well as substitutes, but I haven't explored too much. I try to avoid the heavy hitters. [For very good reasons.]

I can imagine. Drugs are... troublesome.

[ He returns with his scratch paper and pencil. ]

I'll ask around, regardless. If I can help, I will. I... know how it feels to doubt reality, even if the cause of my own troubles isn't quite the same.

Yeah... They are.

[It was agony trying to cut herself off the way she did, but that's a whole other can of worms.

[She sighs, setting down the now empty glass.]

I'm not sure if it helps that I'd already been predisposed to this shit even before I got my magic. But I know how it is when it's all just... your head.

So... yeah. I appreciate it.

Of course.

[ He takes a breath. ]

If you need more water, please let me know. But... for now let's see what we can sort out. I'll write it all down and we can go from there.

[Cradling her head in her hands, Jade nods absentmindedly.]

Yeah... One step at a time.

[Once she's given the chance to write down a list, only two of the ingredients seem like viable options -- thistle and nightshade. Anything else, she can probably improvise for the necessary potion.]

Dunno if these things'll have the same alchemical properties to make Ambrosia, but, eh... [She shrugs.] We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

We certainly will. And... in the meantime, please. Feel free to use my house to get some rest. To find some respite, however temporary. If you ever need anything, my door is open to you.

[ And he means every word of it. ]

Hm.

[She's quiet a moment, thinking before she adds:]

I... didn't really have much of a home for a long time -- or places that I could consider safe. So, uh, I appreciate it. The way things are in Skysong, I don't think I could stand staying in Heliopolis anymore.

...I understand what you mean. There was always a sense of security, of soldiers... but now it feels quite different altogether. I'm not sure I enjoy it.

[ No, he's very sure. He's just trying to be... what? Polite? ]

It's not enjoyable to wake up and find so much suddenly changed.

[Well, Jade gets it. Kind of. Though she so rarely knew what that security actually felt like, she has an idea; has maybe felt it on a few occasions in her miserable life.]

Pff, I can imagine? I mean, I was only around for like a month before everything changed, but I guess it must be jarring as fuck for folks like you who made a home outta this world.

[Which isn't to say the adjustment period has been difficult for her as well, but she feels somewhat fortunate to have woken up to find herself in almost a similar conundrum as the one she was already acclimating to.]

Incredibly jarring. It's not as if we weren't aware there was change in the wind, but to miss a whole century - well. It makes you feel more than a little out of sorts.

[ He smiles wryly. ]

I'm sure you know the feeling, though. It's nothing you haven't experienced. Just... well, we had more investment here. There are people I used to recognize or know... just gone. A whole group of soldiers I led and trained with and they're retired or dead as well for the most part. It's... difficult.

[She snorts.] Yeah. There's "change" and there's... whatever the heck this is supposed to be.

[Jade motions at their general surroundings, just indicating the whole situation they're in and how utterly bizarre it is.]

I mean, there were a few orphans, sure, but no one I had any real connection to -- I'm used to people not staying in my life for very long, anyways. [Ouch.] I can't fathom what that must be like for you.

Difficult is the best way of putting it. But all I can do at this point is try to move forward and focus on ensuring that I end up getting what's been lost back. Even if I have to leave some new friends behind, sadly.

[ He purses his lips. ]

At least if it were battle or something I else I might feel as if I had a chance. But to just miss everything - that's somehow worse, I think.

It sucks, feeling like the world has moved on without you.

[Well, it isn't a feeling so much as that's literally what happened. They were asleep, and time marched on regardless, to hell with whatever anyone else actually wanted.

[Jade sighs, closing her eyes the moment she feels the air warp around her like a heatwave. The room feels hot, but cold at the same time. Wasn't it raining outside just a moment ago? No, wait. It's sunny; overcast. Snow.

[Fuck. She hates this. It's like she's losing her grip on what's real all over again.

[No, it's fine. It's fine. Everything is fine. Just smile and bear it. Nothing is wrong. No, wait, who smiles when they say shit like that? Stop it.]

Indeed...

[ He seems about to say more, but he also seems to realize that she's gone silent and closed her eyes. He leans over toward her with a frown, reaching out to gently try and touch her shoulder. ]

Are you still with me? Is it getting worse?

[At first Jade flinches when she feels Dimitri about to touch her, but she doesn't recoil from him completely. Maybe several months ago, the feral part of her would have clawed at him for the attempt at concern, but she's more amicable these days.]

Well, it sure as heck isn't getting any better.

[Her attempt at levity is hindered by a choked sound as she runs her hands down her face.]

I'll be fine. The air just feels very loud sometimes. [As if that makes any damn sense.]

...I see.

[ He thinks he gets it. Kind of. ]

Would you like to try and sleep, then? Or just rest?

[For such a simple offer, Jade seems conflicted. It was one thing when she had her own room in Heliopolis -- sure, she was always a restless sleeper, but at least she had her own space. Imposing on someone else's with the baggage she carries, it never sat well with her... even when Alice had offered that they find a place together eventually. But she'll cross that bridge when they get to it.

[Lips tightening into a thin line, Jade looks down at the sofa, mostly just avoiding looking at Dimitri, and the other details warped and changing in the room.]

I... Sure. That'd be good.

[He offered to go look for the Ambrosia ingredients, anyway. Perhaps she could take a short rest in the meanwhile and be okay.]

Please. This space is yours to use for the moment. I'll... see what I can find. You rest, try to settle yourself. This will pass, I'm sure of it.

[ Well, not that sure. ]

I'll be back as soon as I can be, alright?

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