kenoslogs | [catch-all] my body is a cage;

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[catch-all] my body is a cage;

WHO: Jade and You.
WHAT: Catch-all log for April.
WHEN: Month of April, namely after the Shard-Bearers have awakened in their respective Resting Rooms.
WHERE: Various, but mostly Old Springstar (and Skysong).
WARNINGS: Psychosis due to the Arcane Fever stuff. I'll mark in the subject headers for anything heavy.

Prompts will be added in the comments. If there's anything specific you'd like me to whip up for you, feel free to hit me up in a PM, discord, or plurk (

whippoorwill). This will be especially helpful as Jade's Arcane Fever will result in her struggle to discern what's real and what isn't, potentially causing her to hallucinate alternate versions of characters! Fun times.

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Right, that makes sense...

[It's still strange to think that there are nobles out there who don't act entitled to be waited on hand and foot by those deemed "beneath" them. That's always been Jade's experience with their ilk, at any rate. And while she knows it hasn't changed her opinion on nobility entirely, she doesn't immediately bristle at Dimitri's title. If anything, it reminds her of the way Jespar tried to shrug it off when she had first asked him about his heritage.

[In any other situation, she might tease Dimitri about it, like she did Jespar from time to time. But even Jade can read a room, even when she tries to keep it light. And the vigilant shadows don't help make her any less on edge as she tries her damnedest to ignore them.

[Taking a drink from the water and gripping the cloak over her shoulders, Jade nods.]

Thanks for telling me, anyways. I figured you weren't just talking outta your ass when you were acting all empathetic about it. Living through shit like that is... hard.

[Their situations aren't entirely the same -- but if she's going to be dumping her shit onto anyone, it helps to commiserate. Somehow.]

It is. But I'm glad I've lived.

[ He breathes out in a soft sigh. ]

...there was a time when I wasn't sure of that. But I want to keep living and I want to make a difference, however I can. I think that's a better tribute to the dead than any killing could ever be. And... well. I hope that you get better. That's what we're here for, aren't we?

[Sadly, Jade can't think of many times in which she was grateful for her own survival. Sometimes she thinks she would have been better off had she died with the rest of her family that day.

[But there's no point in making those thoughts into words.]

...I guess.

[She pauses.]

I mean, I was never in a position to make much of a difference anywhere, myself -- until recently, that is. Back in my country, it was hard enough just trying to survive. My kind were... not very welcome there, it turned out.

[Having lived in a backwater farm for most of her early years, she didn't get to experience the extent of racism towards the Aeterna until after she was thrown out into the world, left to scrape by on her own.

[Not that it's obvious by looking at her that Jade isn't a full-blooded human. Save for her height, maybe -- but tall humans exist, too.]

Just surviving is often enough.

[ Dimitri points that out with a little smile. ]

...although I suppose my own circumstances were rather different, given the politics. [ He pauses. ]

...your kind? What do you mean by that? Was this some sort of ethnic conflict? It saddens me how such things seem to exist, no matter what worlds we come from. Still - ridiculous that it would become such a burden.

Pfft, yeah. Being a king is a heck of a lot different than being some penniless urchin kid from a podunk farm.

[Not being intentionally self-depreciating here, but... Facts are facts.

[When Dimitri asks, however, Jade blinks, then realizes how odd her comment probably comes off. She takes another drink of water before setting it down.]

Well... [She tucks a strand of long, black hair over her ear, revealing the pointed tips with dark looped earrings along the shell.] I'm not totally human. Not that it's an excuse -- Nehrim isn't at all friendly towards outlanders in general. But I used to try and... "pass" as human as best I could, for a variety of reasons.

Oh-! Oh, I see.

[ He looks a touch sheepish. ]

...I honestly hadn't noticed. Still... that doesn't make any difference. It shouldn't be a reason for others to harm or hunt you. Or anyone.

[ He shakes his head. ]

...in any case, what did you need for your treatment? I can make an attempt to find something.

[Seeing his initial reaction makes her chuckle a bit. Considering her efforts were to try and blend in among humans, his scrutiny (or lack thereof) was not unwelcome.]

If it's one thing I've learned over the years, people don't need a reason to hate or harm others who are different from them. They'll do it regardless.

[And she was hunted... though not specifically due to her being a halfbreed. But that's another story.]

Treatment. Right.

[She glances to the shadows again. Mercifully, the delusions have seen fit to disappear for now, but Jade remains on her guard nevertheless.

[Blinking, she glances back up at Dimitri, her brow furrowing when she sees his face not looking quite... right again. She sighs and closes her eyes.]

I can write up a list of ingredients needed to make something called Ambrosia. Most I doubt will be available in this world -- but other, more common ones might be more feasible, though less effective. [At this point, she'll take what she can get.]

I can do some hunting for them... and see what I can find. I don't know if we'll be successful, but it's the only thing we can do I suppose. Unless there's another way to handle it? Like discord?

[ He seems genuine about all of that at least. ]

I have to admit I'm not familiar with Ambrosia, unfortunately. It's not something we... had to deal with in my own world, obviously.

Discord sounds like the exact opposite of something that would help me.

[Then, she pauses.] No, wait. I've read a little about that -- well, more like skimmed. How... would that help, exactly...?

[There was only so much she could research during her initial weeks here before they all fell asleep for 114 years, okay.]

But I'm willing to try whatever if Ambrosia's out. I don't expect you'll find many people, if anyone, who'll know how to make the stuff in this damned place.

Edited 2024-04-12 02:01 (UTC)

I meant more... would something like the approaches we use to handle discord work on your condition?

[ He shrugs sheepishly. ]

For some reason close contact with others, especially of the opposite faction, helps deal with discord. I don't know if this works quite the same...

Ah, probably not.

[She pauses, thinking about how much she should try to elucidate.]

The Fever is a direct result of my magic. The way it works, it's, er... different from the kinds that I've read about here, to say the least.

...I can't claim to be an expert. But I'm willing to learn a little, if you think it will help.

I'm hardly one, myself. But I'll try to put it as simply as possible...

[Even though she's become quite skilled in magic, it's hard to contend with the fact that she's still pretty new to it. It also means that much of her knowledge is quite fresh.

[She tries to think of where to start:]

Did you have one of those weird dreams when we woke up? That feeling like you were yourself, but not?

...yes. It was very strange. I thought it was only a dream, although I didn't linger on it too much. Why?

[So it wasn't just her who had a dream of that nature. Jade wasn't entirely sure, but it's as much a comfort as it is disquieting.]

Well, my magic is... like that. The ability to see possibilities and pull from those realities, making them real.

For me, that switch is always on -- and the Fever is a result of the body and mind not being able to "cope" with it. If I'm not careful, it can kill me, or worse.

[The way she talks about it is matter-of-fact, like she's simply describing allergies and not a life-threatening condition.]

I see.

[ He responds in a low voice, looking a touch lost in thought. ]

That sounds... overwhelming to put it mildly. And this ambrosia is the only way to contain it? There's no other way to help you?

[ He looks very serious. ]

Perhaps we can ask the healers here if they've heard of anything...

Well, there's Peaceweed... or similar drogae I've been able to find here.

[Drugs. She basically means drugs.]

It's only been good for maintaining the Fever at lower levels, though. I think the symptoms have gotten far too "advanced" for them to be much use, so Ambrosia's gonna be the next best thing.

[She sighs, leaning back in her seat.]

I can write down the ingredients, and you can keep an eye out for them.

...yes. I can't say I'm an apothecary or anything of the sort, but I do grow some things in the garden. If anything I can find can help, I'll let you know as soon as I can.

[ He nods. ]

Until then... is there anything else that can be done? Anything that might at least treat the symptoms a little?

Right. You got anything to write with? I can jot down a list. Unless you've got a good memory.

[Literacy wasn't afforded to everyone on Vyn, but Jade was lucky enoguh to have once had companions who taught her how to read and write.]

As for treating the symptoms... I dunno. If you can find anything akin to Peaceweed, I guess? I found some places down in Kowloon that were similar. Like I said, they probably won't be as effective at the advanced stages I'm in, but it does help to ease the pain a bit.

Yes, I should have some paper and a pencil... somewhere.

[ He rises to go rummage through a drawer. ]

I'm not familiar with Peaceweed, but I can certainly ask. Someone around here might know of something similar.

Mm.

[As Dimitri gets up to retrieve writing utensils, Jade nods, before finishing her glass or water to sate that dry itching in her throat.]

Shouldn't matter whether you're familiar. Some local drogae seem to work just as well as substitutes, but I haven't explored too much. I try to avoid the heavy hitters. [For very good reasons.]

I can imagine. Drugs are... troublesome.

[ He returns with his scratch paper and pencil. ]

I'll ask around, regardless. If I can help, I will. I... know how it feels to doubt reality, even if the cause of my own troubles isn't quite the same.

Yeah... They are.

[It was agony trying to cut herself off the way she did, but that's a whole other can of worms.

[She sighs, setting down the now empty glass.]

I'm not sure if it helps that I'd already been predisposed to this shit even before I got my magic. But I know how it is when it's all just... your head.

So... yeah. I appreciate it.

Of course.

[ He takes a breath. ]

If you need more water, please let me know. But... for now let's see what we can sort out. I'll write it all down and we can go from there.

[Cradling her head in her hands, Jade nods absentmindedly.]

Yeah... One step at a time.

[Once she's given the chance to write down a list, only two of the ingredients seem like viable options -- thistle and nightshade. Anything else, she can probably improvise for the necessary potion.]

Dunno if these things'll have the same alchemical properties to make Ambrosia, but, eh... [She shrugs.] We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

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