kenoslogs | [catch-all] my body is a cage;

[Waking up in the dusty room of an orphanage, surrounded by dead flowers and other trinkets had been the last thing Jade expected at the end of their little journey into the dreamy unknown.

[No, wait. Scratch that. Having been asleep for over a century was actually the last thing, but that's neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things.

[What she should have expected was the first thing that had been asked of her by her negligible caretaker (descendants of the orphans she had assisted shortly after the assassination of Springstar's Tribune, she later discovered) concerning the state of her health. Jade hadn't noticed it as fast as she should have -- probably due in part to her struggling to think straight since she awoke.

[Most might chalk it up to grogginess. But then the caretaker's face started to melt, pieces of their body turning inside out. Words spoken no longer strung together properly, until all Jade could hear were screams echoing off the walls.

[It was at that point that Jade knew something was terribly wrong. After excusing herself from the Meri's care, she promptly took to the streets, barefoot and half-naked, wearing only the scant clothing she had been dressed in during her long sleep.

[More notably, her skin glows a deep indigo, almost purple -- with skeletal patterns burning into her flesh. Every now and then, her eyes flicker as she walks the streets of what had once been Springstar proper, as the visages of the figures around her twist into various shapes. Some remain more than mere shadows of their ordinary selves, while others turn more monstrous or unrecognizable.

[Whether she runs into a Shard-Bearer such as yourself, whose face she can discern from the hallucination or not, it matters very little. Your face distorts like all the others, and Jade sharply withdraws the moment she sees you, the cold glow of her skin flaring.]

Blazes! Sorry. I didn't see you.

[Probably because she had been walking with her head down, eyes mostly closed so as not to look at the warped world around her.

[Clearly, her caretakers had no idea how to treat the Arcane Fever that plagued her, or else it wouldn't have reached the advanced stages that it's at now. Jade can barely stay vertical, and can scarcely concentrate on the road in front of her as she sways and starts to lose her focus all over again.]

I'm f-fine, [comes to inevitable answer to the inevitable question she doesn't need to be a Prophetess to see coming.

[Except she's not really fine.]

Edited 2024-04-05 14:55 (UTC)

[When it had become blatantly obvious that finding an Apothacarius armed with the knowledge of what Arcane Fever even is let alone how to treat the damn thing was a vain effort, Jade had no other choice but to take matters into her own hands.

[Which is easier said than done when she's walking around half-dead and glowing, wasting even more of her time having to dismiss any interrogation attempts so that she can get into the heart of the matter.

[Fortunately, she's not completely dead yet, or else she would have keeled over days ago after she woke up -- assuming she ever woke up at all.

["Honestly, I don't even know how you're still standing right now," was among the various comments she had gotten during her hunt for alchemical ingredients. When Old Springstar seemed to be a bust, she (albeit reluctantly) ventured into Skysong, traversing the islands while struggling to weave between real people and hallucinations vying for her attention.]

For the love of... You'd think they'd have nightshade somewhere on this blasted island. [Jade mutters under her breath as she exits one of the many establishments she had been scouring. It was bad enough that she was just starting to get used to the original Springstar, now she's having to re-learn the lay of the land (or lands) while struggling to maintain a sane state of mind...

[An endeavor she's failing miserably at this point: Out the corner of her eye, another phantom shadow lingers on the other side of the street she stands on -- just one of the many that has followed her around since she awoke.

[It is then that she closes her eyes, takes a breath. You're not real.

[But it lingers even when she opens her eyes.]

Oh, fuck you, [she tells the hallucination out loud.]

Edited 2024-04-05 15:00 (UTC)

[ Dimitri himself is wandering a bit, trying to get his bearings in this "new" old city. It's disorienting to half recognize landmarks and then to find that the street ends or see that the building a few blocks over no longer exists - or that there's a crater where the next district over used to be. He's simply trying to familiarize himself when he practically runs into Jade. It takes him a moment to recognize her with the glow and the strange skeletal patterns, but then it dawns on him as she speaks and he eases back a step to give her a long look. ]

...Jade. What on earth has happened to you?

[ He's worried. ]

[To say Alice is used to getting cursed at is an understatement. Even with Jade doing the cursing it affects her little. It's more Jade's state that seems to jog the concern out of her. Not simply the glowing of course but having mildly experienced one of these hallucinatory episodes? It seems similar enough to have her pausing at the other woman speaks in her direction.]

Jade?

[Even though she's taller than him, Jade keeps her head down in a way to avoid looking Dimitri directly in the eye. Once she recognizes his voice, the last thing she wants is to see his face warped like everyone else she's seen so far.]

What 114 years' worth of an untreated Arcane Fever looks like, apparently.

[She rubs her forehead, nursing the thunderous ache that pounded in her brain.]

To be honest, it's a wonder I'm even still alive, or woke up at all.

[Hearing Alice's voice, Jade sighs, closing her eyes, not turning to face the other woman when she speaks.]

That... wasn't directed at you.

[In case it wasn't obvious.

[For the time being, she keeps her eyes closed, but it doesn't shut out both the physical voices and the hushed echoes that follow them.]

I'm really fucked right now if I can't get my hands on some damned nightshade.

Arcane fever...?

[ He's no expert but that doesn't sound good. ]

Do you need help? Medical treatment? Should you even be walking around right now...?

Maybe, no, and probably most definitely not.

[Jade raises a finger with each of Dimitri's queries, still keeping her eyes closed.]

But seeing as it's been over a century and nobody's bothered to learn how to treat Arcane Fever, I've no choice but to make it myself.

[Well, technically she did have a choice, but that would involve asking for help -- something she's reluctant to do. And she doesn't hold any animosity towards the Meris over their negligence. She hadn't exactly given many of them a reason to give a damn about her existence.

[And before Dimitri can ask, Jade then adds:] Unfortunately, it seems most of the potential ingredients for a remedy just aren't available in this world. So I'm trying to find the more common ones -- thistle and nightshade. And that's assuming they even share the same alchemical properties to make what I need.

Edited 2024-04-06 15:49 (UTC)

[ Dimitri listens with increasing concern. This sounds serious but also a little out of his wheelhouse. His healing magic certainly won't help with this. He frowns in thought, trying to get himself in order. ]

Ingredients... My house still has a garden. I don't know if it will have any of the things you need, but it can't hurt to check, surely? Would you like to take a look?

I thought as much.

[Her tone is soft, not quite sad but certainly not pleased to see Jade in such a state. The mention of nightshade had her tilting her head.]

Does it strictly need to be nightshade or something from the same family? Er ... related to nightshade, that is.

[No, healing magic certainly won't help -- it was something Jade tried already, much as she hated it.]

Fine. If I can at least find thistle in some overgrowth or whatever, it'll at least be a start.

[She crosses her arms, the state of her undress now more difficult to ignore as her body temperature fluctuates between feeling too hot and too cold, and overall feverish.]

Don't suppose your place got blasted into the sky as well, or is it still in the neighborhood? [By "neighborhood" she means the general area of this "Old Springstar" she's been wandering aimlessly.]

Not sure, honestly. I was never much of an alchemist -- most of the stuff I ever needed was bought or scavenged, so some trial and error might be necessary... and hope I don't blow anything up.

[She pinches the bridge of her nose, trying to shut out the noise of the world around her, but everything is so loud. Static. It hurts just standing here talking.]

Fuck. And I'll need access to a still, too.

Edited 2024-04-07 00:31 (UTC)

It's down here, still. Most of my old neighborhood is in Old Springstar...

[ He gestures for her to follow and then pauses to start swinging his cloak off of his shoulders. ]

Here - do you need this for now?

Ah, sounds good...

[Jade hadn't really thought that far ahead as to what her future living situation is going to look like. She's used to sleeping on the streets, but she didn't necessarily have to here.

[That's something future Jade will have to think about. Present Jade finally opens her eyes when Dimitri speaks, looking down at her bare arms and scarred body with a look of lingering horror.]

Wh- Oh. Bloody hell.

[Luckily it's hard to see the slight tinge of red under the glowing skull markings on her face, as Jade reaches a hand out to accept the cloak.]

No, no,... I just... Worry that you might be cold.

[ He flushes and tries to reassure her. ]

You're fine. I promise you. Shall we?

[ He gently drapes the cloak around her shoulders and gestures for her to follow. ]

[As the cloak drapes over her shoulders, Jade grips the hem to cover her front a little more. She wasn't completely exposed, but...]

Still. Didn't mean to leave so little to the imagination.

[As if that was the issue here. She can only imagine what her "caregivers" were thinking when she stumbled out in that state.

[The longer Jade keeps her eyes open, however, the more warped the world seems to become again. She blinks hard, trying not to think about how Dimitri's face doesn't... quite look like his anymore when she glances at him, her eyes flickering a shade.]

Are you sure you should be so worried about me? I mean... You're bleeding.

[Or at least she thinks that's his blood. No, it's not really blood -- not at all in the physical sense.]

No, it's quite alright...

[ He keeps trying to reassure her. He just wants her to be more comfortable as he ushers her along. The walk shouldn't be far, he thinks. But then he pauses as she speaks and he gives her a curious look. ]

...bleeding? No. No, I'm fine. Jade... Is this something to do with your condition? Isn't there anything else I can do?

[His response startles her at first, almost as much as the phantom blood.]

It's not- You're not-

[She stops for a moment, reaching over to touch his chest. His heart.

[The blood flows. Then stops.

[Gone.

[Realization dawns on her mien, as she rips her hand back again; stumbling a couple of paces away from Dimitri. The flicker in her eyes fades as Jade closes them again.

[His face. Don't look at his dead, dead face. Not a corpse -- not like them.]

I... need Ambrosia. If I can't find any, I'll just... have to make some myself, and hope that it works.

[ Dimitri regards her with confusion and some sense of alarm. He doesn't know what to do to help her - because she's clearly dealing with something and it's nothing he can actually interact with beyond speaking to her. It's a little horrifying, honestly. He takes a step after her as she goes back. ]

Then let's keep going. We'll see what we can find.

[ His hand very gently takes her wrist. ]

Let me guide you, at least.

[If only it all just went away with something as so easy as closing her eyes, but Jade should have known better. Even as she reaches out for Dimitri's hand, the cold wind on the back of her neck sends icy needles through her entire nervous system.

[And then a voice, whispering in her ear: "Don't go, don't go. Don't go." She can practically hear their dead lips pressed against her soul.

[Fine. It's fine. None of it is real.]

That's, um. Yes. Probably best.

[Despite her initial hesitation, she allows Dimitri to take her wrist, guiding her forward. Against every instinct in her very nature that would have been more inclined to hold her tongue, Jade then blurts, her voice shaky:] I'm... hallucinating.

[It's not a truth she likes to admit. Makes her sound crazy -- and that's something she's avoided most of her life, well before magic and Arcane Fever was ever a factor in her mental state.]

[ He pauses and his hand slides from her wrist to find her hand and squeeze and take a better grip there. Something more intimate, in a way. Friendlier. A way to help guide without making her feel as if she's just being tugged along. There's a long silence and then he replies. ]

I know how it feels when you don't quite know what's real and what isn't. When the voices in your ears sound like your loved ones, but they can't be because they've all died and instead - instead they tell you awful things about - about death. About having to kill. About justice and vengeance and how you will never, ever make up for having the temerity to live.

[ He swallows hard and starts walking again, still trying to lead her on. ]

And you don't know if they're real or if it's just your mind playing tricks on you. And in the end, maybe that doesn't matter because they're still there and you think they always will be. I... understand. I truly do.

[There was a time in which Jade would have been more likely to slap someone's hand away than to accept it, even one that was simply intending to help. But she knows better, and if there's ever been any reason to doubt Dimitri's intentions, he hasn't given her one yet. So she allows it, at least for now, welcoming the feeling of something real reaching out to her, and not just old or unfamiliar ghosts.

[She doesn't respond right away. It isn't until they start walking again, after listening to him, that she speaks:]

I believe you.

[The words have more weight than most would probably realize right away -- he's not just giving her platitudes and empty words to make her shut up about her problems. Nothing like "it gets better" or "everything's gonna be okay"; false promises no one can ever guarantee. But actual fucking empathy.]

I've... always carried the dead at my back. Even before the Fever was a factor, before the whole "Prophetess" bullshit -- when I was just some runaway nobody, with an unoriginal story many other sad orphan kids had.

[She seems like she's about to say more, but stifles her own words, opting to wait until they're at his place before saying any more than she feels is necessary. It just seemed more necessary to inform Dimitri that she's struggling to differentiate reality from delusion, more so than usual.]

...Thanks.

I understand.

[ There's a weight to his tone. Something sad and distant, like he's not quite there but somewhere else. ]

And there's no need for thanks. I - I've carried my own dead with me since I was child and for a long time I was lost to them. I've... gotten better. But there are still nights where I can't sleep or the nightmares come back and days where I think I can hear the whispers start again. I don't know if they'll ever really leave me be. So... I just want you to know that while I don't precisely share your struggle... I've been there, so to speak.

[ He leads her down the street and around a corner. He's moving slowly to avoid tripping her up, his gaze fixed ahead. ]

...is it alright if I ask what happened?

... Maybe the orphanage has one? A still that is.

[They have a garden too of course but she couldn't fathom them having nightshade. Now plants related to it she could.]

Do you recall everything you need? [She pauses a moment, watching as Jade pinches at her nose with a furrowed brow.] I don't mean to sound rude but you don't really look like you need to be hunting things down on your own.

[Even if she doesn't need to express her gratitude, she does nevertheless. There aren't that many who can say they understand her. Not without it being even more hollow affirmations.

[But again, she believes him. Dimitri seems like the sort who would carry his own demons with him.

[Absentmindedly, she nods, half-focusing on Dimitri's voice, another half trying to concentrate on where her feet go when she follows him along. Her head spins, dizzy, but she maintains her posture, stumbling alongside him.]

I thought the nightmares were getting better for a while, too. Feels like they're never gonna go away.

[And when he asks, she tells him what she almost tells everyone else who ever asks similar questions:]

It is, but... It's a long story. Are you sure you wanna hear it?

[She might need to sit down first. Were she in better health, she'd suggest at least downing a dozen drinks first, but that's probably not on the table.]

[catch-all] my body is a cage;

Old Springstar;

Skysong;

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