kenoslogs | 2023 catch-all

[Liem lets out a sigh as John takes his seat and offers his own commentary on the situation with Gen — because of course he has commentary. Their mutual dislike hadn’t exactly been subtle, when Liem had observed them at the ambassador meeting.

Fortunately for John, Liem is probably among the least vindictive people he could ever wrong. He has no qualms whatsoever about drinking with the man just because of some unfortunate business that stopped being relevant months ago.]

No, I don’t think he’ll learn anything from this. I don’t think… he cares about the risk of consequences, when it comes to deeply personal matters.

[He’s sure Gen isn’t glad to be in jail because of this, but if anything, he suspects the young man blames Liem for his predicament, rather than himself. And even if that weren’t the case, he doubts even full knowledge of the consequences he’d end up suffering would have been enough to deflect his rage from finding the target it wanted.

Looking at John sidelong, he considers the other man, considers how he’s never seen John look ashamed of anything at all, and he thinks that this is not a problem he ever would have had.]

You know, I found him so I could apologize to him, for something I did when I was out-of-sorts towards the end of the Oracle trial. I get the impression he’s used to having bad relationships with older people. But… well. You can guess how it went over.

[ that's the benefit of sunk cost; he's done too many things to too many people, and his hands are much too dirty to bother with shame. of course, that comes with a degree of self-loathing, but some people already have that and get a lot less in return to make up for it.

as liem describes his intentions, john is aware of the fact that his own actions may have indirectly contributed to this, but it's not like admitting that will change anything, so he sips his drink and listens. ]

Well, he is a teenager. It's in their nature to feel that way. He doesn't like that older people aren't required to tolerate him as he is and can disagree any time they want, but I suppose that's immaturity for you.

[ funny he should say that when john doesn't like it that people aren't required to tolerate him and can disagree any time they want, but obviously the difference here is that john always thinks he's right.

in contrast, john is also an incredibly vindictive person who never lets anything go, so gen will always be the enemy in his eyes, even if he's already acknowledged he's dealing with a kid. old enough to know better. ]

I don’t think it’s just that.

[He supposes this is the kind of take he would expect from John, who seems to have no sympathy for Gen whatsoever. It’s easy to assume that someone who always acts like a rude punk just wants licence to run rampant without consequences — but that isn’t the impression Liem has ever gotten from Gen.]

He seemed so ready to believe that I was looking down on him, or that I thought little of him.

[He sips contemplatively at his drink, thinking of the times, even before then, that Gen had chafed against the idea of Liem taking pity on him, or that he himself had intimated that Liem was better than him. It spoke to some hidden insecurity lurking large just beneath the surface, and that had to have come from somewhere.]

I don’t know if people back home made him feel that way or if it’s just something he thinks about himself, but he’s always had a lot of anger in him, and it must come from somewhere.

[ it's true that he has no sympathy whatsoever. any chance of that died when gen decided to mock him and double down on it ever since.

john could never forgive such blatant disrespect, although he would say that he is capable of being a merciful sort of God and, therefore, would at least toss gen a few points for effort if he managed to grovel sufficiently.

he leans his chin on one hand and swirls his drink around in his glass with the other as he listens, frowning as he stares down into it unpleasantly. stubborn as ever, john doesn't want to find any sympathy either. ]

Don't we all?

[ a sigh and another sip. ]

I get what you're saying, but name one person here who doesn't have something. Everyone needs an abundance of professional help and medication, but instead, we're all stuck deciding the fate of everything and everyone.

[ and he already knows none of that is as fun as it sounds. ]

Where exactly do you draw the line?

[ maybe he should be encouraging this kind of open thinking and willingness to understand one another instead of shooting it down because it's better overall for maintaining the peace, but john has always been too willing to sacrifice what he ought to do in favour of something entirely self-serving because he has a grudge. ]

Or maybe you don't, otherwise we probably wouldn't be having this conversation.

[ did liem ever think it through and imagine his behaviour comes from somewhere, he wonders. not that it matters, but he can't help but think it's a waste of time. ]

[Liem frowns a little at the mention of professional help and medication, though he imagines John is probably right. Even those of them who might have been well-off to begin with can’t have remained so after being plucked from their homes and brought here to be thrust into the midst of some grand, existence-spanning war.]

No, you’re not wrong. There has to be a line somewhere, and I certainly don’t intend to keep hounding him with reparations he doesn’t even want.

[What a waste of time that would be — just as trying to apologize had been a waste of time, for all his earnest hopes. He hadn’t expected Gen to forgive him, but he also hadn’t realized that his attempt at an apology would only make him angrier.

He buries his frown in his drink for a long moment, then lowers his glass with a soft breath.]

It’s not really about me, though I can’t say I’m indifferent about what he did.

[Though he’s sympathetic to the hurt that he knows must lie somewhere at the heart of that anger, he also knows he doesn’t want to volunteer as someone on whom Gen might simply vent whatever frustrations he likes. Nor does he think it’s appropriate for Gen to have involved Set in the way that he did.]

But we were… if not good friends, then at least friendly, before. I knew him before either of us were even brought to this world. I’d just hoped it wouldn’t all be poisoned the way it was, and that even if he was angry, maybe he would want to understand.

[ he rolls his glass between his palms idly as he considers this, getting the feeling this is a far more tangled web than he thought when he sat down. john is hardly the guy for this sort of topic, given his history of personal relationships, but he also can't help but be nosy. ]

"Poisoned" is a curious way to describe it, but then I don't know the history.

[ but it's a strong word either way. ]

Maybe the surest way to ensure his feelings don't get hurt again is to blow up the relationship.

[ john wouldn't happen to know anything at all about that strategy or anything. ]

Maybe he wants to see how many times he can hit you before you stop trying.

[John’s suggestion strikes a familiar chord in Liem, and based off of what he knows of Gen, he’d guess it’s not too far off the mark. Like John, Liem knows all about that particular mindset, which his upended relationship with Hayame is a perfect example of. It’s a little less painful, after all, to cut someone out of his life than it is to be rejected himself.

The problem is that, with Liem’s own old, bruised resentment festering deep in the neglected corner of himself where he shoves all the things he doesn’t want to acknowledge, he’s feeling more than a little tempted to just let Gen have his way. Maybe he really should just stop trying for him.]

I suppose his reasons aren’t really my business.

[Soberly, he watches John roll the glass between his palms.]

He made it clear enough that he didn’t want my apology; clear enough that he landed himself in jail over it. I just hope he’s not like this with the other people in his life, too.

I don't know if that's as much a measure of his conviction as much as it's a measure of stubbornness, which is not the same thing.

[ gen seemed fully prepared to let john kill him rather than simply give in or back down or seem even a little sorry. on some level, that's respectable, but also, it's infuriating. ]

There's nothing you'd be willing to spend a few days in jail to avoid?

[ that question isn't even strictly relevant to this conversation, but he can't imagine liem wants to sit here and speculate about gen the entire time anyway. ]

[Liem lets out a soft, dry chuckle at the direction of John’s query.]

Well, no. Though I haven’t yet encountered the need.

[He’s definitely asking the right questions, now; there are surely any number of things that a man like Liem would rather spend a few days in jail than endure, but the nature of those things is bound to be very different from the kind of thing that landed Gen there.]

I find that I avoid most troublesome things just fine on my own — but if I were to take leave of my senses for a while, I’d certainly rather if I returned to them to find that someone else had taken charge of me in the interim.

[Hm! What a normal way to look at potential imprisonment. It also might hint at why Liem himself hasn’t paid Gen’s bail to let him go free, despite his remorse over how things turned out between them. Gen’s actions got him arrested, and as far as Liem is concerned, it’d do him some good to cool off for a while before being let out.]

[ oh, yes. how very normal and not at all curious; the way john's brows creep higher is purely coincidental. he sips his drink for a moment and considers this. ]

Interesting. Although I suppose the outcome of that works differently depending on your definition of "taking leave of your senses".

[ there's a difference between a little drunk and disorderly and things that end in murder. john is admittedly interested in the latter. ]

Some would say everyone should live according to their nature.

[ which, again, if murder is involved, he doesn't really object. john speaks of himself as much as he is a vague generalisation; he may live with incredible guilt, but when has that ever stopped him? if he's a monster, then so be it; it's sunk costs all the way down. ]

Or, at the very least, that it's good to cut loose every once in a while. Maybe if he'd had other ways to let off steam it wouldn't have been quite so... dramatic.

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this is hella old so feel free to keep or drop!