The Seeds of Unrest: the Iconoclast Oracle

[beleos]

RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK

The situation is bleak.

The Blight - and the massive labyrinth of roots tearing both cities asunder, spreading deadly flowers wherever they penetrate - have progressed to a point beyond catastrophe. People are dying in rapid numbers. Bearers are having difficulty keeping up with the spread of infection - even among one another. The collapse of Kenos seems inevitable; a cure will not come in time. You can do nothing but watch as each new day brings further disaster, ticking down the seconds until it all falls apart.

And then, you feel something seize your Shard. As if physical fingers have wrapped around it, as if it is being clutched through you by invisible hands, you feel invaded. You feel wronged. But before you can panic, a voice enters your mind through Communion.

“Excuse the dramatics, but there isn’t much time for pleasantries. The Trees are about to hit the point of no return. But there's still work to be done. The Tree of Life will take you where you can find it: the Oracle and the creature causing all this mess. Fix this when you find them. However you'd like.”

Have you heard Aetos’ voice before? Perhaps it is the first time; perhaps it is familiar to you. Either way, the last thing you will remember is a confusing jumble: a spell of immense and incredible power, one utilizing the Tree’s strength to shelter you. The sensation of every cell in your body coming alive, yet seeming to break apart and render you into billions and billions of tiny pieces, all hovering in different times and places across all the different iterations, timelines, and realities in which you have ever existed. A voice that speaks not through words asking your forgiveness, unspeakably sad.

And then, there is nothing.

AWAKENING

Your eyes open, gritty with the feeling of a long, deep slumber.

Perhaps it takes a moment to shake off the heavy veil of exhaustion, to recollect what you were doing before you fell into this state of hibernation - but as soon as you do, you feel an immediate sense of foreboding around you. It is thick in the air, oppressive and pervasive, and you aren’t left long to wonder at its source. You lay beneath the branches of the Tree of Life, but as your bleary eyes focus… you see it. The Tree is all but bereft of life. Its bark has withered down to gnarled wood, the soft lichen dried up, and the grass that should be alive beneath you is long dead and gone. There is not so much as a single leaf on its decaying branches.

It has been this way for a long, long time... you realize this with a feeling of intense dread as you see it - the beautiful expanse of stars, of the cosmos, of universes scattered like starlight above the tree's boughs, gone. In its place hangs a sickly, ominously low-hanging, and dying sun ready to sing the end of everything.

You can't help but wonder how long Kenos has been in this state, but a sense of gratitude fills you as you realize that the Tree expended the last of its energies to protect you, the Bearers, during your state of rest. Had Aetos worked with the tree to see you sent here?

The next question comes quickly: how much time do you have left…? And can you find the Oracle before that time expires?

ABANDON HOPE (DAYS 1 & 2)

The cornerstones are still active and will take you to whichever city you wish to see.

Highstorm and Springstar sit like empty monuments to the cities that were once filled with life - yet the first thing you will notice is they are strangely absent the signs of the Tree’s overgrown roots, the Blight, the catastrophic damage that you can recall all too easily. Instead, each city sits as those they were summarily abandoned overnight, leaving nothing but their shells behind. There is a stillness in the air that is unnatural and unsettling. Despite the lack of any sign of the citizens of either city, you cannot help but feel… watched.

Something terrible happened here. Best you find the Oracle before something terrible finds you, instead.

The burning of a dying sun beats down on you wherever you go, unbearable heat sending waves off the aged cobblestone streets. Perhaps it is your instinct to seek refuge in the shade - but linger too long about the shadows and that feeling of eyes on your back, of being unable to breathe, of your world closing in around you will grow untenable and drive you back into the light. If you hope to explore the ghostly shell of your city in search of the Oracle - or to sate your curiosity, some problem-solving might be in order.

And while you acclimate yourself to your circumstances, you cannot help but note you feel wrong inside, somehow…

EXPLORATION

• If your characters choose to explore previously unreachable areas, please use THIS TOPLEVEL to report when they get there in the thread! We will get back to you with what is discoverable in that location.
• The following areas are off limits for exploration: below Yima’s Manor; below the Church of Heliopolis; Alenroux; Kowloon.
• The Great Trees of both Highstorm and Springstar are in a similar state to the Tree of Life and will not respond to Communion.
• Generally speaking, items will be of poor quality. Most will look as though they’ve aged thousands of years. Others will be in half-decent shape, but sparingly so. Oddly enough, it doesn’t seem like the whole city has aged at the same rate, so especially diligent rummagers can find worthwhile supplies. Please consider this should be rare and don’t go overboard!

NOTES

Here are some prompt reminders - see the full thing at the OOC Summary!

• Characters will have a diluted connection to the Zenith or Meridian.
• There will be periods powers are weakened or non-functional during days 1-2 (up to player discretion).
• The sunlight results in scorching; the shadows cause claustrophobia and fear while outdoors.

THE RITUAL (DAYS 2+)

The place you started your journey to Kenos is also where it seems it will end. As soon as the first Bearer makes contact with the Iconoclast effigy, you are collectively drawn to the roots beneath the Tree - like a pang sent through your Shard. Your objective has been found. The Oracle awaits.

Trusting Aetos seems like a fool's errand, but you must put your hope in the Tree. What choice do you have left? It's time to find what lies at the end of this.

Bearers descend, your steps echoing in the dark, cavernous space. Once brimming with life and vitality, the roots are now dried and brittle like the bones of some ancient leviathan that died long ago. As you make their way deeper into the earth, the deadened roots twist, leading you to a vast chamber deep within it; the air here is thick with the smell of decay, and the faint glow of luminescent fungi and mosses barely illuminates the space.

To your left, the Bearers will notice what has drawn them here - and the object of their search.

An effigy sits on the ground between two darkened tunnels. The effigy is made of gnarled, dead branches woven together in a humanoid shape; its hollow, empty eyes are sightless, yet you cannot help but feel it is watching your every move. Branded on its forehead is the Iconoclast symbol carved into the rough wood.

Once all Bearers are present, the Ritual will begin. Your means of exit have been sealed off, and you are trapped, slowly deteriorating together…

NOTES

• Bearers will have access to the Ritual Chamber which is a very wide, open space with the effigy situated against the far wall from the entrance. Several smaller tunnels off-shoot from the Ritual Chamber. They all run to dead ends; some are very small or narrow. This may afford you meager privacy away from the group.
• Once a Bearer steps into the Chamber, they can no longer head back out the way they came. They’ll find themselves automatically walking back into the Chamber as if of their own volition.
• For brevity’s sake we won’t list them out again here, but the complete description of effects Bearers will experience days 2+ is available in the OOC Summary.
• The effigy is impervious to damage.
• It Is Watching You.
• In a dead-end root tunnel attached to the Iconoclast’s Chamber is the Blighted statue of an Otter that may be familiar to some… Please see THIS TOPLEVEL for more information!

THE PURGE (DAYS 5+)

The sap has festered in your veins for what feels like days. It’s impossible to tell how much time has passed; this place has no sunlight. The effigy watches as you remain trapped, huddled together around it, unable to leave as you find yourself sick with the affliction of the Meridian, Zenith - or both.

And then… something finally gives.

Though it does not move and speaks no words, you feel the effigy offering you guidance. Knowledge. Much like the Tree speaks to you in impressions and feelings, you are conveyed wisdom you did not have before: a way to take what you want and rid yourself of what you do not. A way to make your convictions known to all who would hear them. A way to be known. To write your path in blood, be it yours… or theirs.

When all is said and done, only one force - Zenith or Meridian - will gain its favor.

Show it who you are. Show it what resolve looks like to you - and what you are willing to do to attain it.

NOTES

Here are some prompt reminders - see the full thing at the OOC Summary!

• You can Purge your alignment through various methods: Trading, Corrupting, or using the Effigy itself.
• All characters will understand the end goal is for everyone to Harmonize; the alignment with the higher rate of Harmonized Bearers alive when time’s up wins the Oracle’s favor.

NOTES

• A reminder that the Harmonization tally will take place on Friday, the 19th and be open through Monday, the 29th. The results will be released on Wednesday, the 31st OOCly.
• Don’t forget to submit any deaths to the Death Tracker, with a gentle reminder characters will remain dead until the event conclusion!
• Reminder to fill out the SETTING POLL ASAP if you haven't already!
• Have some MUSIC if you'd like. LYRICS here!
• HAVE FUN!!

CODING

Comments

II-a.

[eyesite]

( "john, you can't just give up like this."

he reacts without thinking to the voice, so real and present that its owner might as well have been sitting next to him; he flinches, shoulders bowing, and reaches up to roughly drag one hand down his face. it's mostly to obfuscate the pain in his expression. he tells himself that it's just cruel manipulation from the influence that crawls, sluggish and terrible, through his veins, replacing his blood. there's no other feasible explanation. the person the voice belongs to is one whose shard he has recently received. before he had come here, he had gone to his quarters in yima's manor to make certain it was where he had left it for safekeeping, enshrouded in soft cloth and locked within a small box he kept hidden in a secret compartment in his desk.

that having been said... were martin here, he has no doubt that this would be exactly what he would be saying to him. even if it was certain that there was no way to bring their world back from the Hell that it had become, he would still search to the end for the faintest glimmer of hope. and he would have done it out of compassion, rather than guilt or a feeling of necessity; it's something that, despite (or perhaps because) being a differentiating factor between them, he loves about him.

it means that he is stronger than john is. he just — he isn't willing to risk it. he can't, not again, not when he actually has a choice this time.

"we'll - we'll find another way. we'll go back to the Archives, face elias - a-at the very least we can't just allow him to get away with it. so, please, john - please —"

blessedly, liem interrupts this. john doesn't even look up to him before replying, ) Mr Talbott... Yes, please do. ( speaking to someone — anyone — will distract him from this (and he could do for far worse company than liem). it makes sense that the Meridian infected with the doubts of Zenith are pained, because it is always a terrible thing, to have hope challenged, tarnished, and potentially lost. so why, then, does john, tempered with hope instead, radiate with such self-defeated and piteous misery? it subsides somewhat as he focuses instead on his new company, but even then, that's just a temporary ripple along the surface of a pond. )

[sterngaze]

[Perhaps sitting down with someone, with another harbinger, whose despair and misery is just as wretched as his own, is not the best way for Liem to distract himself from his own predicament. As he takes John's invitation and settles carefully next to him, the tenor of the emotions rolling off of him mingle so freely with Liem's that he struggles to tell where his own black feelings end and John's begin. The distraction hardly seems worth the cost.

And yet, how could he leave the other man be, expecting him to weather his misery in solitude, when the extent of it is, to Liem of all people, so plainly obvious? He cannot. Even though John is no ally of his, he cannot turn a blind eye to the suffering before him, not when he feels it so keenly.]

I am weary of trials like this one.

[He observes it with a sigh, leaning back against the lumpy root wall behind him. For him, it is distressingly like the time he'd spent below the Regent's citadel, suffering on the floor as he fought to fend off the despair crawling through his body. That the experience is somehow similar for John despite their different allegiances is most strange, and not especially comforting.]

I'd thought my conviction steady — and yours too, for how swiftly you made your own choice. And yet, the Oracle demands its struggle.

[eyesite]

( the magnitude of intensity for which Communion resonated between him and those similarly marked by the symbol of the Harbinger is disconcerting even for john, and it's in his very role and purpose to sympathetically link himself with others, to hear their deepest and most traumatic fears, to feel them as presently for himself as they had been felt by their originator, and then to inscribe them upon himself as a living Archive to their testament. in that way, this type of Communion isn't exactly novel to him, but its persistence and its indiscretion are. as much as the Archivist demands the secrets of others, he is hypocritically unhappy to have his own pried away from where he usually keeps them kept close to the chest.

even with their shared sense of emotional sympathy, the finer details as to what he grapples with are still left indistinct and obfuscated. but there is one predominant feeling that comes through, which colors and saturates all else: whatever it is that makes john reject Meridian, which makes him reject the idea of fighting for the return of his home, is a profound feeling of guilt. whatever it is that makes him reject it, he feels as though it's his fault.

bitterly, the corners of his mouth hike into a grim smile, and he gives a single, harsh-edged laugh. ) Don't tell me things like this are a pattern.

( he knows many of the Shard-Bearers here hold much longer histories to this struggle, to kenos and the world horos that had seemingly preceded it. though, the more he thinks of it, the more it makes sense that "to suffer" becomes a common through-line in this conflict. when deciding the fate of all that is, it simply wouldn't do if it were any easier, would it? )

Well, that's just the thing about convictions. They're only as strong as the challenges that they weather. ( he turns slightly to look at liem out of the corner of one eye, remembering how he had introduced himself in alenroux — a holy man, one who identifies himself first and foremost of a church. )

It's the same with faith, isn't it? What's the point in having faith, if one doesn't occasionally have doubts?

( john's own lack of faith in what he says illustrates his own thoughts on the subject. he's not necessarily an atheist — the Fears are ostensibly gods, albeit not in the classic sense, and he himself is proof of their existence. but he feels he cannot believe in anything he can't see, he can't hear, he can't derive any proof of. all he knows is that once a person dies, they are beyond the reach of the fears, even the End — whether that is the protection of God or simply cessation to be, he supposes it's not his place to know. )

[sterngaze]

[The bitter laugh that John lets out mirrors quite well the grim memories Liem has about not just his arrival to Horos, but his entire months-long stay there. By comparison Kenos is almost utopian — though these days, it seems more and more like the whole world is coming apart at the seams. That this apocalypse scenario should be capped off with a challenge that recalls Liem so vividly to the worst Horos had thrown at him puts him in rather a cynical mood.]

Perhaps twice doesn't suffice to make a pattern. I pray that we don't see a further repeat, though.

[He doesn't offer even a mirthless laugh himself, though the thought of having to weather a third round of this does make something a little unhinged flare at the bottom of his ribs, threatening to force its way up and out. It's been less than a year since the last time, by his reckoning. He's heard that trials like his are supposed to strengthen you, but right now, inundated with thoughts insisting that he is only cruel for seeking the return of his home Creation, he finds it difficult to feel any way but ground down to scraps.]

But you are right. [Even if John's own belief is agnostic at best, he hasn't failed to grasp what is, to Liem, one of the most important things about faith.] Faith in anything can carry you through challenges, if it is strong enough. That's one of the things that people derive from it: structure. Strength and guidance with which to navigate a world that is often unpredictable.

[Even in the depths of his own guilt and melancholy, it brings him peace to speak about something so familiar, which has helped him weather his own struggles for so much of his life. Liem's faith has carried him for more years than most humans in his world ever managed to live. That consistency is the anchor he clings to against the drag of Zenith's doubts on him.]

Is there something that you have faith in, Mister Sims?

[eyesite]

( he breathes out a sigh that... isn't necessarily relief, because while twice might not indicate a pattern, his gut instinct tells him that it teeters dangerously on the edge of perhaps becoming one. but he knows relatively little about what happened on kenos prior to his arrival, and even less about this "horos" world where many of the other Shard-Bearers were prior to coming here. perhaps it's just an unfortunate similarity, though completely random in its occurrence. )

Yes... ( he grimaces. ) One would hope.

( there is truth to what liem says, john knows. there had been good and relatively upstanding institutions of religion that had offered strength and fellowship and peace of mind to people all over the world, though he knows through his own line of work he had only ever seen the most perverse applications of faith. the agents of several of the Fears used such things to manipulate people into following them; those devoted to the Desolation formed the Cult of the Lightless Flame (who had even gone so far as to create a Messiah for their purpose, even if she had guttered out and died before she could bring forth the Blackened Earth for them), and maxwell rayner had been leading the main body of the People's Church of the Divine Host for his own efforts for the Dark for centuries now. perhaps the frequency of his personal dealings with both groups have soured him on the concept of late, but only because he had grown tired of seeing the terrible aftermath of people who were preyed upon in their desperation, manipulated with misconceptions of faith to draw them away from the world at large.

though, in the end, how different is the Magnus Institute from either? he had always tried to ignore how the employees outside the Archives had looked at him after he had been named Head Archivist, but especially after he had returned after he had woken from his six-month "coma." one might not be incorrect in saying that the Institute had worshiped fervently the pursuit of what they perceived as truth, as fact, and john had been one of their most devoted priests.

he is silent for a moment — though liem finds sanctuary in this topic, he finds it an unwieldy and cumbersome one. but he is still happier to answer than he is to lapse back into silence which might turn inward and result in more suffering. ) I've had belief in what I could neither comprehend nor fully explain for a long time now. ( since a cursed book had found its way to him as an eight-year-old boy, an encounter which had nearly ended his young life. ) Even then, I sought out reasons, I sought out answers... But, belief and faith are two different things, aren't they?

...In the same way that you speak of it, no, I don't think so. Since then... it has gotten very difficult for me to have faith in much of anything, because that which I have proof for — which, which I am proof for — are the sort that you wouldn't want to have any in.

( he had once wondered if the Fears had counterparts. if there were conscious manifestations of terror and pain, were there the same for hope, for compassion, for what the heart screamed out for when faced with their worst nightmares, to deliver them?

no, is what he found out. there aren't. or, at least, it has never been recorded that there are; none has ever intervened to save a single human soul from the Dread Powers that preyed upon them. ) Let's just say... far too often I've both read and seen the very worst that can happen to people, and yet I've never seen a single miracle. It... makes it too difficult.

[sterngaze]

[Liem listens attentively, courteously, as John answers his question. Unlike his companion, he is not afflicted with any particular compulsion to know the answers to what he asks, but he is curious about why this man, who seems ordinary in appearance and ability, would feel such guilt over the prospect of bringing back his world. He is curious what experiences would lead him so firmly to the promise of Creation's demise, when Liem had to be dragged there kicking and screaming. Even now, with Zenith whispering in his ear with the voices of people he now barely remembers, he continues to turn his face steadfastly from its promises.]

Is that what it means to be Archivist?

[John hasn't explained the title in Liem's hearing, but even according to Liem's own cursory knowledge, human history is rife with tragedies — perhaps enough to demoralize one who had to chronicle them.

Then again, perhaps it is only the impetus for the request he'd made over communion that causes John to have this perspective.]

I have seen some cruelties that I would rather forget — but only with my own eyes. And it is not my job to bear witness to such things.

[eyesite]

( the question elicits a grim smile from john; it's a very clever deduction.

of all of the Shard-Bearers on kenos, a very small number know fully what his title means, and an even smaller division of those know the truth behind it. the entity to which his continued existence is inextricably tied to, its true and fearsome nature, and what both of them had in concert (and against his will) done to damn his world to Hell on earth... these are all things he would prefer he could keep to himself. part of it is shame, yes, but there is also self-preservation instinct wrapped up within it, deeper than even he can see. what he had done to his world, he is technically primed to do again. if certain individuals got the shape of the truth of him and his nature, they might well decide that he continuing to draw breath is a risk they couldn't accept. )

Yes. Though it goes well past that.

( he clutches his hand into a fist and frowns. )

It's a bit of a misnomer, you know. "Archivist." It implies a certain level of separation from that which I might endeavor to "archive"... one that I don't have. ( the Archive was not something that he had left behind on his own planet in the bowels of the Institute's basement, enshrined to Magnus' success in ascending to become the Eye's pupil in the world he had helped architect — no, it sits right alongside liem here, in these caverns. ) In reading and listening to the accounts of others' fear, I inscribe them upon myself — I feel them just as vividly as if they had happened to me. And I carry them now with me wherever I go. ( he lapses into silence, and as he concludes his brief explanation, a healthy amount of bitterness creeps into his tone, ) The entity that I am... in service to, I suppose I should say. There are some that might call it a god. ( he frowns. clearly, he's not one of them. ) That is what it would have me do. And all Archivists before me.

[sterngaze]

[The bitter admission that John reveals is perhaps expected, given what Liem knew about him so far. What man would not begrudge a curse that forces him to relive the fears of countless different people? Especially if he was just the latest in a long line of people who had been similarly burdened with this ominous being's will. Given the hunger he himself has been saddled with since his very birth, Liem cannot say he's surprised that the man would be resentful.]

And you remain so linked, even here, at the end of worlds?

[In a way, Liem is unsurprised that this might be the case. Does he not yet retain his own link to his patron's will and power? Abadar could not continue to grant his magic to him if he had been wiped from existence, or if this place was too distant from his own home to still maintain a connection. But for John, he suspects this link to his old world is more a curse than a blessing.]

It's that why you gravitated to Zenith? Because of this entity — this god of fear?

[eyesite]

I likely wouldn't be speaking to you if that weren't the case.

( but liem's unique perspective gives him insight into this before he even receives the answer. their experiences are not one-to-one, however — regardless of what some might believe, john is not a priest, he is a host. Dread Powers allow their avatars to retain their memories, their personal prerogatives, and much of their personalities, but they only do so because they do not understand them enough to meddle with or change them; perhaps they view them as bizarre traits that might seem vestigial to them, but necessary to exist in the physical world. john maintains himself, certainly, but the Eye's influence has spread throughout him like mold might colonize a piece of neglected food. its main body and that of the other Fears might have disappeared with his world, but the infinitesimal piece of the Eye that had taken up residence within him is still with him now, entangled indelibly within his shard.

he would be very interested to learn of liem's persistent link to his god, despite lacking the literal attachment that john has to the Eye. what would that be indicative of? though he had always thought that, if there were a God or gods, they would exist outside the realms that they had access to. so perhaps liem's was simply in a place that Oblivion could not reach.

his silence turns brittle and perhaps even prickly at the question. perhaps he shouldn't be surprised someone from Meridian would think that.

he wants nothing more than to squash such a simplistic assumption. )

No.

( he looks at liem, his expression lined and grim. )

It... can't want something like what either Meridian or Zenith might offer, because as far as I can tell, it doesn't understand it. The future, that is. It doesn't plan because it can't. It only is what it is and what it wants, and in the present of any moment, it puts as much force as it can muster into getting what it wants.

( it's... very childish in that way, really. short-sighted and ignorant in its vast and immeasurable knowledge... there's a reason that the Eye can reasonably be considered the most foolish of Fear's faces, instinctually hoarding information it cannot comprehend. )

But when I think about their possibilities... ( this is the only exception, when considered through the sieve of its avatar. ) Restoring and returning to my world is what I feel that it wants. Because it lies in ruin, Mr Talbott, and all of the Dread Powers rule over it — and the Eye, above them all. Zenith is a choice that I make contrary to its influence, and it's one I make every day. Because I want to deny it the victory that it achieved, and I want to make sure it and all the other Fears never have an opportunity to prey upon people ever again.

[sterngaze]

[Liem listens patiently as John explains more about the entity that… possesses him? He isn’t sure what kind of relationship explains the man’s need to feed the being’s hunger, as if it were his own. It is a more intimate one, he assumes, than his own relationship with Abadar, personal though he nevertheless feels his link to the god is. It sounds like a terrible burden to bear, perhaps especially in a world ruled by such entities.

And that revelation is enough to freeze his blood. Such a catastrophe is not so difficult to imagine; if fate had meandered just slightly differently, perhaps when the Worldwound opened far in the north, the crusades launched against it would not have been able to contain the demons that spilled forth. In the century since that time, all of Avistan might have been overrun with the fiends that spewed ceaselessly from that rift into the Abyss. Could anyone confidently say that such a world should be saved, instead of quietly left to its demise so that a better world might be made in its place?]

I think you misunderstood my question. You made it clear enough that you do not venerate this being. But… you have still answered my curiosity.

[That is, he is assuming that he was right, and that John chose Zenith so quickly because of his familiarity with “the Eye,” and whatever horrors it might be capable of. He has to assume that the impression John has about his world, as a recipient of this unearthly connection, is in many ways a cruel one.

So then — why the sense of despair? Why would any part of him yearn to return to a world in ruins, for any reason?]

From where, then, comes your struggle?

[eyesite]

( the nature of his bond to the Eye as its avatar is indeed far deeper and more intimate — or perhaps invasive is a better word? — than that of a priest and their chosen deity. really, that nature is probably far more akin to that of a warlock than anything else; he receives power from the patron entity, and it expects to be fed in return. though, really, between being both an avatar and the Archivist (which is a whole different thing), the lines get strange and indistinct. the one thing that all avatars share with each other is this: they brush against mortal death and, in so doing so, they make a choice to become an avatar. it's a choice that john had made after six months lying in a hospital bed, deep in a deathlike coma: do you die as a human or do you live on as a monster?

at the time, he had made that choice because he thought it was still in his power — he thought it was still his responsibility, with the knowledge and opportunity that he had — to safeguard the world from being undone by any of the Fear's rituals. if he had only known that they were doomed to fail, that he'd be used as the "missing piece" for a successful one himself... he likely would have chosen very differently.

there is something in john that readies, wanting to make itself understood, as liem replies, but — if he believes he understands, he will allow him to it.

he is certain of the state his world would be in if it were restored because, after the Change, his connection to the Eye had been broader and more powerful than it had ever been — he could not only "see" what was happening for some distance all around him, but he could feel it. the torment of each soul, the individual volume and timbre of each unique expression of fear... he had only been there a few hours before Oblivion had claimed it and he had been brought here, but it had been enough to brand his mind with deep and painful comprehension of what he had been used to inflict upon the world.

it had been horrible. but there is also a part of him, the part most closely and intensely linked to the Eye, that had exalted in it — that had felt satisfied and fulfilled there, because that's what the Eye unknowingly gave to him: as one of its avatars, those that had provided this world for it, a seat of honor and privilege at an endless banquet.

if john was more like many of the other avatars he has encountered, purely and cruelly divorced from their humanity, guilt, and empathy, he would likely rank among Meridian. he would wish to restore what he had wrought; he would want to return to where he could walk the world, untouchable and venerated as a God. but he does still have vestiges of humanity, those that afflict him with overwhelming guilt and shame for what he's done, and so he fights against it. he believes whole-heartedly that the safest and kindest fate to ensure for his world, and everyone in it, is what he hopes is peace in Oblivion.

so why is he so conflicted? it's a good question that liem levels at him, and just like many other things — like his nature as an avatar, the presence of the Eye in his shard and what that could lead to, like the world he so determinedly leaves behind — that he would prefer not to discuss.

but, held within the cage of his chest, those truths rage like an animal desperate for freedom. perhaps, as the avatar of awful knowledge and revealed secrets, it's just not in his nature to deny them? he's always been a dreadful liar...

so he replies, but it is obvious in its begrudging nature, pried loose with no small effort. )

...There are people important to me who wouldn't agree with this decision. They'd ( he'd— ) want to go back, to find a way...

But - they don't understand. ( when he says this, an odd quality resonates in his voice; suddenly still and devoid of the tremulous uncertainty and vulnerability he had displayed just a moment before. the clarity that the Eye gives him, perhaps... or maybe it's just easier to write it off as a lost cause than risk everything to try. )