( the Eye cannot comprehend that which has shed everything capable of feeling fear. perhaps it for the briefest of moments it attempts to understand bondrewd in the framing of kindred — that which is Fear consists of fear, but can you necessarily it fears it itself? — but that is discarded as soon as it realizes that it doesn't work. to one of the Dread Powers, bondrewd is unassailable, completely without purchase for their many hooks and barbs to sink into. after long consideration, this ends up resolving into something along the lines of disinterest or even revulsion; dimly acknowledged by john, linked to it as it is, though certainly not emulated.
bondrewd's words do, in part, assuage him. they settle his panic that he is about to be punished for the fault of not swaying him back to his place at Zenith's side; he reconsiders himself and the space around him and finds that perhaps it was just the roots continuing to creep along bondrewd's effigy that had felt in motion before, his own momentary paralysis still induced by the state of persistent, exaggerated Communion.
(he puts aside being called adorable, which is something he as a grown man doesn't really know what to do with...)
his instinctual response to someone steadying him and guiding him isn't a positive one — after all, there has never been anyone in his young or adult life who has personally guided him to anything but personal and universal ruin. but the shared sympathetic connection that Communion provides is hard to argue with; he would be forced to admit to himself that he cannot sense any machinations or manipulations belying the words and impressions of support that bondrewd extends to him. )
Do you really believe something like that is necessary? That - that it's even possible?( john hasn't even been here for very long, never posing anything more than a threat to confidential information among Meridian, and even still he has suffered serious injury and death at their hands. perhaps his vision is just (ironically) limited, but he cannot seem to see bondrewd's vision.
it's not the only thing he shares that feels somewhat incomprehensible to him. the fondness, too... john wouldn't claim to have had a challenging or troubled childhood, but his relationship with his grandmother had never been what any might call warm. he is grateful to her for the part she played in raising him, but it had been perfunctory at best. this sort of encouragement... it's strange, and almost disconcertingly so.
it probably says a lot that this is more disquieting to him than any acknowledgement that bondrewd would, in the same breath that he patted him with familiar fondness, slit his throat to ensure the safety of others. it's something he has always worried others might not have the strength to do (even though, far in his own clouded future, not even martin's hand would stay itself —)... )
...I don't know what I've said or done to earn that belief.
But if you will do what you've promised to me... Yes. I will do all that I can.
no subject
bondrewd's words do, in part, assuage him. they settle his panic that he is about to be punished for the fault of not swaying him back to his place at Zenith's side; he reconsiders himself and the space around him and finds that perhaps it was just the roots continuing to creep along bondrewd's effigy that had felt in motion before, his own momentary paralysis still induced by the state of persistent, exaggerated Communion.
(he puts aside being called adorable, which is something he as a grown man doesn't really know what to do with...)
his instinctual response to someone steadying him and guiding him isn't a positive one — after all, there has never been anyone in his young or adult life who has personally guided him to anything but personal and universal ruin. but the shared sympathetic connection that Communion provides is hard to argue with; he would be forced to admit to himself that he cannot sense any machinations or manipulations belying the words and impressions of support that bondrewd extends to him. )
Do you really believe something like that is necessary? That - that it's even possible? ( john hasn't even been here for very long, never posing anything more than a threat to confidential information among Meridian, and even still he has suffered serious injury and death at their hands. perhaps his vision is just (ironically) limited, but he cannot seem to see bondrewd's vision.
it's not the only thing he shares that feels somewhat incomprehensible to him. the fondness, too... john wouldn't claim to have had a challenging or troubled childhood, but his relationship with his grandmother had never been what any might call warm. he is grateful to her for the part she played in raising him, but it had been perfunctory at best. this sort of encouragement... it's strange, and almost disconcertingly so.
it probably says a lot that this is more disquieting to him than any acknowledgement that bondrewd would, in the same breath that he patted him with familiar fondness, slit his throat to ensure the safety of others. it's something he has always worried others might not have the strength to do (even though, far in his own clouded future, not even martin's hand would stay itself —)... )
...I don't know what I've said or done to earn that belief.
But if you will do what you've promised to me... Yes. I will do all that I can.