( the magnitude of intensity for which Communion resonated between him and those similarly marked by the symbol of the Harbinger is disconcerting even for john, and it's in his very role and purpose to sympathetically link himself with others, to hear their deepest and most traumatic fears, to feel them as presently for himself as they had been felt by their originator, and then to inscribe them upon himself as a living Archive to their testament. in that way, this type of Communion isn't exactly novel to him, but its persistence and its indiscretion are. as much as the Archivist demands the secrets of others, he is hypocritically unhappy to have his own pried away from where he usually keeps them kept close to the chest.
even with their shared sense of emotional sympathy, the finer details as to what he grapples with are still left indistinct and obfuscated. but there is one predominant feeling that comes through, which colors and saturates all else: whatever it is that makes john reject Meridian, which makes him reject the idea of fighting for the return of his home, is a profound feeling of guilt. whatever it is that makes him reject it, he feels as though it's his fault.
bitterly, the corners of his mouth hike into a grim smile, and he gives a single, harsh-edged laugh. ) Don't tell me things like this are a pattern.
( he knows many of the Shard-Bearers here hold much longer histories to this struggle, to kenos and the world horos that had seemingly preceded it. though, the more he thinks of it, the more it makes sense that "to suffer" becomes a common through-line in this conflict. when deciding the fate of all that is, it simply wouldn't do if it were any easier, would it? )
Well, that's just the thing about convictions. They're only as strong as the challenges that they weather. ( he turns slightly to look at liem out of the corner of one eye, remembering how he had introduced himself in alenroux — a holy man, one who identifies himself first and foremost of a church. )
It's the same with faith, isn't it? What's the point in having faith, if one doesn't occasionally have doubts?
( john's own lack of faith in what he says illustrates his own thoughts on the subject. he's not necessarily an atheist — the Fears are ostensibly gods, albeit not in the classic sense, and he himself is proof of their existence. but he feels he cannot believe in anything he can't see, he can't hear, he can't derive any proof of. all he knows is that once a person dies, they are beyond the reach of the fears, even the End — whether that is the protection of God or simply cessation to be, he supposes it's not his place to know. )
no subject
even with their shared sense of emotional sympathy, the finer details as to what he grapples with are still left indistinct and obfuscated. but there is one predominant feeling that comes through, which colors and saturates all else: whatever it is that makes john reject Meridian, which makes him reject the idea of fighting for the return of his home, is a profound feeling of guilt. whatever it is that makes him reject it, he feels as though it's his fault.
bitterly, the corners of his mouth hike into a grim smile, and he gives a single, harsh-edged laugh. ) Don't tell me things like this are a pattern.
( he knows many of the Shard-Bearers here hold much longer histories to this struggle, to kenos and the world horos that had seemingly preceded it. though, the more he thinks of it, the more it makes sense that "to suffer" becomes a common through-line in this conflict. when deciding the fate of all that is, it simply wouldn't do if it were any easier, would it? )
Well, that's just the thing about convictions. They're only as strong as the challenges that they weather. ( he turns slightly to look at liem out of the corner of one eye, remembering how he had introduced himself in alenroux — a holy man, one who identifies himself first and foremost of a church. )
It's the same with faith, isn't it? What's the point in having faith, if one doesn't occasionally have doubts?
( john's own lack of faith in what he says illustrates his own thoughts on the subject. he's not necessarily an atheist — the Fears are ostensibly gods, albeit not in the classic sense, and he himself is proof of their existence. but he feels he cannot believe in anything he can't see, he can't hear, he can't derive any proof of. all he knows is that once a person dies, they are beyond the reach of the fears, even the End — whether that is the protection of God or simply cessation to be, he supposes it's not his place to know. )