[ set may call the pain self-inflicted, inflicted by another. but as the connection opens between them, as set makes a keening, miserable sound, cassian thinks, he may not forgive me for this. and the sentiment is accompanied by the overwhelming sense that he doesn't deserve forgiveness, for this or otherwise, anyway. what the sentiment is not accompanied by, however, is regret: what's another unforgivable choice that he's been asked to make among many?
and then cassian andor sees.
he jerks in set's grip, flinches away from the sheer enormity of set's mind, from the barrage of images and experiences. he has never truly believed set for a god, not even when man gave way to sand and created miracles for a child, but now the truth is blinding. but now he sees the child, this child, and he understands better what he'd seen before; and he feels a love that is both familiar and alien. he never has, never will be a father. but he's been a caretaker, and he's failed a child who needed him, before. (he was a child, himself. that doesn't matter; the blame is still his.) atone, and come home. in this moment, the emotions are so vivid that they could be his.
and there is revulsion, at this ruination of egypt, at this evil war god, at this tyrant. how can there not be, from a man who gave everything to fight a tyrant? (he had said, once, a cause that was worth it. without that, we're lost.) there is revulsion, at this wickedness. and also — at the wickedness that has been visited upon this god. unfathomable, to accept one for a god and to see a god as a victim of violence; and yet these two things live and breathe together, and more besides. horrific things have been done to him,
and yet, he would keep that promise to a loved one rather than escape. and yet, he would rather die than be seen. wants to die, deserves to die. how can cassian andor of all men not understand this? some monsters are monsters; some are men, who make bad choices. how can a monster look to another and say, no, you are worse than me? they have no more secrets between them, in a deep sense. things that are unknown, yes, but
composure broken, cassian's breath shudders against his ribs. but he lets the meridian drain from him like pus from a wound; and calming, bracing zenith flows into him like clean waters. eases his breathing, soothes his fears. he's traded one-two-three times now, and set's was the worst case of them all, has the most zenith to give him. he's traded one-two-three times now, and for the first time in kenos he feels the clarity of harmonization. he feels the infection of conflicting alignment energies dispelled. it's heady, this feeling. intoxicating to a man who had, until recently, completely defined himself by commitment to a cause. set can feel that right now, with stunning intensity.
and then he takes a deep breath, like a man who'd been drowning, and reaches to brace himself against set's shoulder, a mirror to the grip the god has on him. ]
ENTER KEY
and then cassian andor sees.
he jerks in set's grip, flinches away from the sheer enormity of set's mind, from the barrage of images and experiences. he has never truly believed set for a god, not even when man gave way to sand and created miracles for a child, but now the truth is blinding. but now he sees the child, this child, and he understands better what he'd seen before; and he feels a love that is both familiar and alien. he never has, never will be a father. but he's been a caretaker, and he's failed a child who needed him, before. (he was a child, himself. that doesn't matter; the blame is still his.) atone, and come home. in this moment, the emotions are so vivid that they could be his.
and there is revulsion, at this ruination of egypt, at this evil war god, at this tyrant. how can there not be, from a man who gave everything to fight a tyrant? (he had said, once, a cause that was worth it. without that, we're lost.) there is revulsion, at this wickedness. and also — at the wickedness that has been visited upon this god. unfathomable, to accept one for a god and to see a god as a victim of violence; and yet these two things live and breathe together, and more besides. horrific things have been done to him,
and yet, he would keep that promise to a loved one rather than escape. and yet, he would rather die than be seen. wants to die, deserves to die. how can cassian andor of all men not understand this? some monsters are monsters; some are men, who make bad choices. how can a monster look to another and say, no, you are worse than me? they have no more secrets between them, in a deep sense. things that are unknown, yes, but
composure broken, cassian's breath shudders against his ribs. but he lets the meridian drain from him like pus from a wound; and calming, bracing zenith flows into him like clean waters. eases his breathing, soothes his fears. he's traded one-two-three times now, and set's was the worst case of them all, has the most zenith to give him. he's traded one-two-three times now, and for the first time in kenos he feels the clarity of harmonization. he feels the infection of conflicting alignment energies dispelled. it's heady, this feeling. intoxicating to a man who had, until recently, completely defined himself by commitment to a cause. set can feel that right now, with stunning intensity.
and then he takes a deep breath, like a man who'd been drowning, and reaches to brace himself against set's shoulder, a mirror to the grip the god has on him. ]