and he's starting to remember that, isn't he? with the fading of the blight's magic, his memories are starting to return. the time loops amos had told him about. touching the mirror; seeing his sister and home world; reuniting with her only for everything to reset. there's something to be said about the impossibility of returning to his past. there is something that has been said, here, about the impossibility of returning to his childhood. to kenari. to his family. not only kerri; maarva and clem andor have been lost to him for a long time too, other people he'd loved whom he couldn't do anything for. couldn't come back for, in maarva's case, in time.
you were right, cassian had said, hollow. inflectionless. the key was for cassian to keep away from his sister. not give the magic, or the whatever the hell, the opportunity to reset again.
and amos had replied to him in turn, at least at first. but then amos apologizes, and then amos goes on, and cassian looks back at him again. he's a little less unmoored, this time; amos gives him something in the present moment to focus his attention on. amos's obvious distress at what he had to do. it's tempting to affirm that amos shouldn't have seen what he did, but that — would not be very grateful. that would not be the kindest response to amos's unhappiness, and cassian isn't kind, but he does owe amos something.
so he stirs himself enough to reach for amos's shoulder in a bracing gesture. bracing, in truth, for both of them. ]
You did what you had to do. If you hadn't, we'd still be stuck with the mirror, and those vines would still be growing. [ not to mention, ] Who knows what else might have gone wrong.
[ amos had made the call that had saved them, and saved the spire. and that makes it right. as for any pain that decision had cost — every decision, one way or another, needs to be paid with pain. that's what war means. he exhales, gives the other man's shoulder a pat before dropping his hand. a nonverbal response to that last offer; thanks of a sort, in the only way he can bear to offer it right now. ]
no subject
and he's starting to remember that, isn't he? with the fading of the blight's magic, his memories are starting to return. the time loops amos had told him about. touching the mirror; seeing his sister and home world; reuniting with her only for everything to reset. there's something to be said about the impossibility of returning to his past. there is something that has been said, here, about the impossibility of returning to his childhood. to kenari. to his family. not only kerri; maarva and clem andor have been lost to him for a long time too, other people he'd loved whom he couldn't do anything for. couldn't come back for, in maarva's case, in time.
you were right, cassian had said, hollow. inflectionless. the key was for cassian to keep away from his sister. not give the magic, or the whatever the hell, the opportunity to reset again.
and amos had replied to him in turn, at least at first. but then amos apologizes, and then amos goes on, and cassian looks back at him again. he's a little less unmoored, this time; amos gives him something in the present moment to focus his attention on. amos's obvious distress at what he had to do. it's tempting to affirm that amos shouldn't have seen what he did, but that — would not be very grateful. that would not be the kindest response to amos's unhappiness, and cassian isn't kind, but he does owe amos something.
so he stirs himself enough to reach for amos's shoulder in a bracing gesture. bracing, in truth, for both of them. ]
You did what you had to do. If you hadn't, we'd still be stuck with the mirror, and those vines would still be growing. [ not to mention, ] Who knows what else might have gone wrong.
[ amos had made the call that had saved them, and saved the spire. and that makes it right. as for any pain that decision had cost — every decision, one way or another, needs to be paid with pain. that's what war means. he exhales, gives the other man's shoulder a pat before dropping his hand. a nonverbal response to that last offer; thanks of a sort, in the only way he can bear to offer it right now. ]